Thursday, July 07, 2005

Ever since the taking-classes bit of my degree finished (about two years ago now that I think about it--no, wait--is just one year? just seems like two, I guess) I've had these odd patches of loneliness.

When I was taking classes with my cohort of 8, we all saw each other a certain number of times a week, chatted regularly, etc. But now we only see each other in passing here and there, or if someone makes an effort to create some kind of social event.

I'm too busy for these damn events, I tell you. Plus people seem to organize events that are either late at night (for me being out past 10 is late) and that I would have to find a ride to and from, or they're all-day things for which the "younger" cohorts are getting people together. Which I just don't have the time, money, or patience for right now.

Actually, I think there's a poker night at one colleague's house on Thursdays, but it involves being out late and drinking, and I'm tired enough all day lately as is. (Plus I'm horribly allergic to their cat, of course.) And I just--have little interest in learning any kind of complicated meaningless behaviors such as card playing when I'm using all my limited thinkin' power to do these research write-ups. I also have little interest in gambling in general (even a token system), and little interest in social events that are primarily competitive in nature ("let's get together and play a game!") So I end up very out of the loop.

I know, I know. I'm unnatural and wrong, but that's just the way I am. I would rather attend a free lecture on campus about space travel. Which I did. But it's not very social.

On the other hand, I get pretty squirrelly undertaking my current behavior, which is working my behind off while being at home most of the time. It's a breeding ground for neurosis, I tell you. Being around other people some of the time keeps people balanced. (That's why we try to increase the social contacts of almost any client who walks through the door of the clinic.)

And with how busy I've been, and TheLimey's been, we've only seen each other one night and one weekend in the past...what, two months? Six weeks? And we won't see each other much over the next month, either.

So here's me: I don't go to work every day and see people, and I don't see people on the weekend, my place constantly looks like a tornado hit it (with a pile of boxes)--no wonder I'm feeling unbalanced and lonely. The problem is, I'm too desperately busy trying to get all this crap done "over the summer"* to remedy that.

I'm continuing to pack my stuff and move the boxes when we do see each other, but I feel I have nearly reached the point where I either have to just move what's remaining and be done with it, or stop for now until I'm ready to actually move. Which I can't do until I have a car.

I'm also discovering it's really hard to buy a car when you don't have a car to go look for cars.

So I'm at this impasse: can't move, can't not move, can't get a car, can't continue without one, must finish academic work, but becoming very lonely and neurotic because of the solitude. Feeling very paralyzed with all these conflicting courses of action, all of which I must undertake.

(There's that verb "undertake" again, but it'll have to do.)

*"Over the summer" always sounds like a long time, but it actually ends up really being, like, six weeks or something. Summer was only really long when we were kids, but by saying that phrase still makes it sound like it's a long and potentially productive time.

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