Monday, August 10, 2009

Kinda Bitter

Three months ago: I can't wait until May 31st so this postdoc will be done! Then I can actually have a summer for once in my life. I'll take June off before getting back to work one way or another. Explore the town, finally, get the household in order, get our finances in order, start getting my self back again after everything that's happened in the past four years. Or eight years, maybe. Figure out what I'm going to do. Study for the EPPP.

Two and a half months ago: Dang, Limelet's week-long horrible illness has delayed the end of my job for a week. Dang, the amount of work I have remaining has delayed it another week. Still, there's half of June left. And now I'm pregnant! Well, at least now I know the time limit for my studying, and everything else.

Six weeks ago: I can't believe that the year I just spent working didn't count towards my licensure. Can't believe it. Must find another year's worth of work with licensed supervision for low pay. And I'm so exhausted with pregnancy, as well as this damn cough. And the place is a wreck. It's hard being so lonely and not knowing anyone, and not having the energy to get myself out there. At least we're getting a baby out of it. I can figure out what to do, career-wise, after the baby.

One week ago: Wow, I'm feeling so much better! I can begin to get going on stuff. This is great.

Six days ago: I can't believe I'm losing the baby. To help myself heal, I'll plan to get my environment in order, work on taking care of myself, getting myself back in shape, start getting out in town and getting to know some people. Doing things. I'll try to enjoy the summer here for next few weeks. Figure out where we go from here.

Five days ago: I can't believe my ankle is broken and I have to be in this cast for the next six weeks. So, five weeks of illness from pregnancy and bronchitis, one week of trauma, and six weeks of being in a cast. That's pretty much the twelve weeks of summer.

I know there's always something worse that could happen, and I know people who've had worse things happen to them. Nevertheless I'm feeling pretty angry right now as well as sorry for myself. I've always been able to blame something bad happening on a particular person (often myself). But this: this seems completely pointless. Dammit. I don't ever want to say that I'm feeling good again. It seems like this is always what happens, only this has been even more extreme than ever before. What the hell is the deal?


Eph Zero said...

I think you have every right to feel awful. Or eat falafel. Just because things could be worse doesn't mean that this is particularly good. I always hate the "things could be worse, so look on the bright side!" B.S.

I know you already know this; I'm just giving you approval.

liz said...

You got it in one. Thanks; I want the approval.